Bought these last night. I wandered around the mall alone , went to a spa for a relaxing massage alone.
Yet, I feel empty.. My heart is empty.. It used to have abundance of love, joy and happiness.. Filled in by the love of my life..
He's my life.. Do you know how it feels like when your life is being taken away from you?
It hurts.. It hurts so bad, there were times where I feel my chest is being pulled from outside. I couldn't breath properly.. I punch my own chest, hoping that the pain would go away.. But it doesn't..
I feel sad, yet.. I don't know how to express it.. Scream? Cry? What would you do when your inner pain has affect you physically?
Sometimes.. I asked God..
"You've witnessed me, crying in pain because of someone before him. When he came into my life.. I feel so thankful, I couldn't ask for more. But why, after 3 years of wonderful years with him.. You took him away from me?"
I know God has a better explanation for that. Maybe not now, maybe later..
Maybe God knows he'd suffered way too much over the past 3 months. When I saw him crying in pain, screaming, punching his own neck in front of my eyes. I feel sad, helpless.. I cried.. Because there's nothing I could do to help him to ease the pain.. Sometimes I wish if I could share his pain, at least he wouldn't suffer so much, but I can't. I don't have a power to transfer his pain to me.. I wish I have it
There were times where I'd speak to myself, as if he's in front of me.
But no, he doesn't. In fact, I will only see him in my dreams..
The hardest part is waking up in the morning.. Last time, I'd wake up to his txt or phone calls.. Then, looking at the place where he used to sleep comfortably.. At the kitchen where we used to cook together, eat together.. Laugh together.. Looking at the place where he'd sit while waiting for me to come home from office..
But now, everything has changed. Changed forever, eternity.
Until now.. I'm still trying to accept the fact that..
Death totally do us part..
I miss him so much.. I really do..
I love you Darling. Please pray for me from Up there.